i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
