I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Randomize
