There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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