Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize