the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Blow job season was short but glorious.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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