DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I think my moral compass just broke
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
