Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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