I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
