Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
