What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
