He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
