If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
