He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
