i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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