my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
