i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
