Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
