I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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