I just made out with a guy for $7.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
