just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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