please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
