what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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