I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
