I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
