highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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