Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
