I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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