I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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