My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
