im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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