I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
