Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize