i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Randomize
