I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
