I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
