My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just forgot I was standing up.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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