if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
