My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
