This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Randomize
