i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
