the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize