My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I need to stop coming to work sober
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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