I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize