when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
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