...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
