she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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