genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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