My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If I die, sorry about rent.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
