My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
