nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
