You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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