I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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