you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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