This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
