You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize