After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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