note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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