Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
