Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
