So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
